Happy Thanksgiving!

May the Lord grant you all the joy of being thankful!

When you think about it, being thankful is a joy. Having a heart of gratitude is enjoyable! There is a great personal benefit from being thankful for someone else or for what someone has done. When we're thankful, we get a second gift. The first gift is whatever it is we're thankful for, and the second gift is the joy of being thankful.

If we see our response to God as an obligation, then we don't enjoy it so much ... and it's not really thanksgiving. Scripture does exhort us to be thankful, but it never has in mind a begrudging obligation. Scripture merely commands us to do what's truly enjoyable! We have been blessed in many ways - the most important, of course, is the free offer of salvation in Christ. Then, Scripture instructs us to enjoy being thankful for the blessings.

What a great 1-2 punch!

May the Lord grant you all the joy of being thankful!

Headship Questions, Part 2

Continuing on in our series of answering questions about "headship" that came out of our recent men's retreat...

Question 2: Does the definition of submission defined in the sermon create a license for the wife to do what she wants under the auspices of making her husband successful?

This question is based on the definition of submission that we used in the sermon series: A woman's submission is her commitment to the success of her husband in his role as the Covenant Head.

It took a few Sundays to develop this definition, and requires some understanding of the concept of headship in the first place. There's not enough space in this column to develop all that material again, so I refer you to the sermon series itself at http://dublinbiblechurch.org/sermons.html .  The example of Abigail was an extreme example in order to demonstrate the difference between submission and subjection. In that extreme example, Abigail made decisions that gave her husband the best chance to succeed, even if it meant doing something different than what he has already decided.

This question tests the limits of of the model. If women are to be committed to their husbands' success even to point of doing something other than what their husbands say, what's to stop her from just doing as she pleases, willfully disobeying her husband, and all the while claiming the excuse that she's just doing what she thinks is best for his success? Clearly, that is a concern.

Let's distinguish between the model and interpretation of the model. The model is that she is to be committed to her husband's success, not just what she interprets to be in his best interest. If she is truly committed to his real success as the Covenant Head, she is by definition not going take this model as license to do as she pleases. "Doing as she pleases" is neither a commitment to her husband's success nor submission. So, just by definition, she can't truly submit according to the model and use the model to do whatever she wants.

But the practical question is: How can we avoid her abusing the definition and turning it into license? Of course, wanting to "make her" live according to the model comes from an attitude of lording over her, rather than leading her. So, husbands can't "make her" live by the model at all. There must be a different way to help her avoid abusing her role.

The way to avoid the abuse comes down to the wife humbly adopting the biblical model in truth, and not just as a cover to doing as she pleases. This model puts a hefty responsibility on both husband and wife, and we experience problems when either one of them either abuses the responsibilities or just ignores them.

Some will say that we shouldn't teach this model if we can't stop women from abusing the definitions. It's too dangerous, and women might just start doing whatever they want, they say. But just because people might abuse the biblical model doesn't mean we shouldn't teach the biblical model. We don't want to teach a less-than-biblical model just because someone might abuse the truly biblical model.

Furthermore, where are the controls to prevent men from abusing their end of the model? Should we not teach headship if some men will abuse that definition to do as they please? Even if men can abuse their responsibilities, we teach the biblical ideal. The same should hold true for women. What will keep men inside the model is the same thing that will keep women inside the model - humble submission to the Lord and to His definitions of husband and wife.

I must reiterate a point made in the sermon - the cases where the woman actually has to "go Abigail" on her husband and defy his words in order to submit to his success are rare. This is not an option that women need to resort to often. There are many, many options of finding resolutions to problems before the wife is cornered into following Abigail's extreme example. 

They may even be times when the wife needs to avoid "going Abigail" on an issue even if she is clearly right and he is clearly wrong, simply because the "Abigail option" always comes with a price in the relationship. That price may be too high to pay for situations that are not crucial. In Abigail's case, it was a matter of life and death. The level of danger warranted the price of going against the husband's will. However, if the matter is about how much to spend on Christmas presents, the outcome is likely not so crucial that the price of taking the "Abigail option" is worth it.

This model is not a license for women. But it does show that the position of submission is a very important, responsible position that requires a lot of wisdom and humility. Rather than shield women away from their responsibility because they might abuse it, we should empower them to the fullest extent of Scripture - just like we should do for men.

Men, there's only one sure way to avoid having your wife need to "go Abigail" on you. Lead with integrity in a way that serves your family's best interests, according to the biblical model. The only time wives need the "Abigail option" is when we're making decisions that contribute to our failure as the covenant head. Simply make decisions that work for your success as the covenant head, and you will have created the best, most effective safeguard you can against your wife exercising license inappropriately.

Headship Questions, Part 1

At the Men's Retreat last weekend, we generated nearly 50 questions related to the concept of the covenant head and ezer, based on our recent sermon series on being "Men and Women of God." There were a lot of excellent, important questions. There was not nearly enough time to answer all of them. Clearly, the series generated more questions than it answered! The challenge, now, is for us to find the best format to discuss these questions in a way that is most accessible to all the men of DBC. One of those ways will be to discuss a few questions at a time as a Colonnade article / blog.

One of the questions was: When a couple reaches a point of disagreement and there is no way to reach an agreement - at that point, does the wife yield her will to the covenant head?

This is a natural question to flow out of our topic. It is a question we discussed in the Youth Sunday School several weeks ago, and something that our small group also pondered one night.

Let's set up the scenario for purposes of discussion:

• There's a family decision to be made that's important and affects the whole family.
• There are only two choices: "A" and "B". There is no compromise "C" in this scenario. (Clearly, reaching a compromise when possible is very desirable, but I'm taking that possibility out of this picture in order to answer the root question.)
• The husband thinks that "A" is the best option. The wife thinks that "B" is the best option.
• The couple has sought a solution in prayer, through wise counselors, in Scripture, and so on. In other words, they have already done all the things that you're supposed to do in order to make a big decision, and yet they still have different opinions.
• Both have the same level of conviction. It's not like he's 51% sure and she's 99% sure.
  

OK, now that the scenario is set, how do we reach a decision between "A" and "B"?

One possibility is to go with what the husband thinks. After all, he's the covenant head, he's the "tie breaker", and he's the one who answers to God on behalf of the entire family.

Another possibility is to abdicate the husband's responsibility and just go with whatever the wife wants - in this case, "B." Wouldn't that just be easier in the long run? Besides, guys are pretty adaptable to different situations, aren't they?

A third possibility is to do something random, such as flip a coin. The apostles cast lots in order to replace Judas Iscariot, for example.

You might be surprised that I think that the third possibility is the best of the three. But there's a better answer.

The key to understanding this, as one of our own youth so astutely observed, is the fact that the husband will stand before God responsible for the decision. But, this does not automatically mean that we go with option "A" !!! Just because he's accountable doesn't mean that he should choose his own favorite idea. His position before God does not automatically translate to going with his opinion.

What this means is that the buck stops with him, and the decision is his responsibility. He must see to it that "A" or "B" is chosen, and he answers for it. But he is free to choose either "A" or "B", and to bear the consequences of that choice.

No matter what he chooses, however, that decision now becomes his favorite. If he chooses "A", then that's now his favorite (not hard to do - it was his idea!). If he chooses "B", then that becomes his favorite. It becomes his decision and the family's decision, not just "hers." This means that if he chooses "B" and ends up going poorly, as the covenant head, he has forfeited the right to say, "I told you so!" He is responsible for the decision, and being the covenant head means that it is now "his" decision as much as anyone's. So, later casting blame onto the wife is violating the responsibility of the covenant head. He also forfeits the right to say "I told you so" if he chooses "A" and it works out well. "I told you so" creates distance, whereas the covenant head should build oneness.

Likewise, the wife as the ezer (suitable helper) has the responsbility to make the husband's decision her favorite. Again, that's easy if he chooses "B". But if he chooses "A" and it goes poorly, she also forfeits the right to say "I told you so." That's not the role of the ezer. And if he chooses "B" and it goes well, rather than "I told you so," she should be thankful that her covenant head is succeeding in his role.

Why would the husband choose "B" if "A" is what he thought was best? Several reasons. First, he could choose to do so in order to show honor and respect for his wife. Second, he could choose that in order to demonstrate to her that he trusts her, that he doesn't always have to have his way, or that he values her opinions. Third, he could do so because he knows that she is more spiritually sensitive than he is (for example) - choosing to rely on her strengths to make the best possible decision. Whatever the reason, he is still acting as covenant head. He takes the responsibility. It is not abdication because he claims responsibility for it and is the one who bears the brunt of the consequences if things turn out poorly. He answers to God for the decision, which is the opposite of abdication.

So, in those rare instances where the couple has done all the wise things and still can't make a decision, the covenant head must act with the full knowledge that he's responsible for the decision. Sometimes, that means humbly choosing "A", and sometimes that means gracefully choosing "B".

In my experience, this is the rare case. More often, we can't reach decisions because have not fully exercised all the provisions of wisdom God has made available to us: Scripture, prayer, wise counsel, etc. Men, as the covenant head, I strongly urge you to delay using your "final authority" until all paths of wisdom have been exhausted. Often, you can find unity in a decision by seeking the Lord's face together.

Now ... about the coin toss possibility. There's a rather large book that delves into the issue of decision-making, and it deals with the coin toss question. There's too little space here. So ... this is a question I'm going to leave to you to ask me in person when there's time to talk about it. Call it a little bit of blog cruelty.

The Blessing of Prayer

Lynne and I had a fantastic trip to California this past weekend, primarily for the privilege of baptizing and praying for one of our godchildren. But while we were there, we naturally spent time reconnecting with old friends and finding out what God has been doing in their lives. We were overwhelmed by the love and concern that people still have for us, even though we haven't seen many of them for over 5 years.

The greatest blessing, though, was an all-too-brief time of prayer with our hosts and dear friends, Aaron and Amanda. It is our tradition to pray together for one another whenever we get together (and even sometimes over Skype). I must confess that Aaron and Amanda do a better job of making sure we have that time of prayer than I do. That kind of prayer is something that we had as couples almost every week.

As we prayed Sunday night, the sense of God's love, His protection, His sovereignty, His mercy and grace, and His presence was very, very strong. My love and gratitude for Him was rich and almost primal. It was another very special moment with our close friends.

I encourage you to get over that little awkwardness of asking the question and make sure when you spend quality time with your closest of friends that you say, "Let's not leave until we've prayed for each other." Find out the most pressing prayer needs, share your own most pressing needs, and have a relaxed time of prayer that lasts as long as there are prayers to be uttered.

Don't just pray for God to do things to benefit us. Praise, thanksgiving, affirmation of trust, and even confession should be a part of this intimate, shared prayer time.

Meaningful prayers that we share in Small Group or in church settings are necessary and greatly beneficial. But there's another level of shared prayer with your closest Christian friends that goes beyond the norm. If you don't have that, go get it!

It may even be a little awkward at first. But know this - it's not awkward for God.

I believe you'll be amazed at what happens within your spirit when you allow yourself to be abandoned in prayer with other believers you are very close to.