Headship Questions, Part 8

It's been a little while since we tackled a headship question. If you've not been tracking our discussion on this topic, check the previous posts on this blog to see where we've been dealing with questions related to the covenant headship model of marriage, tackling a variety of questions that the men asked about headship at the men's retreat last Fall.

Our next question is a little different than the previous ones - it's not a question about the model itself, but really gets at the core of some issues men have in actually becoming the covenant head God intends.

The question is: Who were your models of manhood growing up? What features of “manhood” did he / they model?

I think this question is profound, because it invites men to explore how they developed what their view of manhood really is. We learn a lot about manhood from the men who were significant in our lives as we grew up. Yes, we can differ from them and not repeat their flaws (coming up with new flaws on our own!), but we will naturally emulate what was modeled before us, even when we're trying hard to be different. The models in our lives as we develop burn patterns into our brains and wire the way that we tend to think. Good models wire us in a good way, and bad models make for bad wiring, and more work has to be done to rewire the system.

If our view of manhood is significantly different than the idea of the covenant head (especially in the area of being husbands and fathers, but also being Christian men in the church), then several things result:

1. Men will have a more difficult time understanding the covenant head model. They might easily digest the theology and the main ideas, but to really understand what it means in every day life, it will be more difficult. The model makes sense, but it's hard to see how the model intersects with personal experience.
   
   
2. Of course, this difference may even make it difficult for some men to even grasp the theology and main ideas. Their experiences were so far afield from the biblical model that even the core ideas are completely foreign and hard to grasp. The model just doesn't make sense.
   
   
3. We are then hampered from self-assessing our own manhood. It is crucial for us to be able to self-assess our concepts of manhood. Where did we get the ideas that we have? What assumptions do we have - assumptions that might not even be true, but we've always assumed that they were? Why do I do the things that I do as a man?
   
   
4. That, of course, affects our ability to change. We've got to understand the model, understand why we hold the views that we have, and then change our habits and ways of thinking to be in line with Scripture. But we can't change to be more like the biblical model if we don't know how and why we're different than that model. Not only do we need to change our views, but we also need to change our habits. We develop habits from our childhood models, and the rubber meets the road in headship when our manly habits are fulfilling the role of covenant headship.
   

One of the greatest hindrances I've seen to men really becoming the covenant head in a serious way is that they don't really see yet how they are different than the model. Usually, we do in fact understand the basics of the model, but I think one of the biggest barriers is that we don't clearly see what the model means in every day life and we don't see how we are that much different than our idea of the model. If we don't have clear pictures of this, then we will never become the kind of covenant head that the Bible describes. Just because you understand the theory doesn't mean you really understand how your life needs to change.

So, men, I invite you to spend a Quiet Time or two exploring these questions about the models of manhood you've had. How did they form your views? How are your views similar to those models? How are they different (and why)? How do your models of manhood differ from the Scripture picture of the covenant head? If you agree that this is the right model, it is up to you to take the steps as the covenant head to take the steps necessary to become the covenant head.

Until you are convicted by God's Spirit that a) you are different than the biblical model in various ways, and 2) you must submit to God's work in you to change you over time, you will not see "covenant head" become the phrase that most accurately describes you. This is not a conviction of guilt and that we should feel awful about ourselves, but a conviction that this is reality and it is serious. It is the conviction that comes from God that you will in fact commit to become more the covenant head that God wants you to be. That conviction begins with a serious self-evaluation.

Headship Questions, Part 7

For the next installment of handling questions about men being the covenant head of the family, we're going to tackle three related problems in one article. (Note: This is an ongoing series of articles based on the series of teachings on marriage. To understand the context of the questions, please read the previous posts about "Headship Questions.")

• I’ve tried, and I’ve failed.
• She is not / they are not willing to follow.
• I really don’t want to change.

These may not seem like related questions, but they are in at least one sense - they all have the same answer.

The first statement ("I've tried, and I've failed") apparently comes from a man who believes that he's taken the concepts to heart, taken an appropriate amount of time to try leading his family according to those principles, and the results he was hoping for did not materialize. Or, perhaps he just failed in his effort - he tried, but didn't stick with it for very long, lapsing into other habits of leading (or non-leading).

The second statement ("They are not willing to follow") looks at the willingness of the family as a primary problem in implementing the headship model. Because they are not willing, headship is not functioning in the home.

The third statement ("I really don't want to change") is a brutally honest statement that says, "I get the basic concepts, I know what's involved, and I just don't want to do that in my home." I wish more of the men in our churches could be this honest - no guile, no gameplaying - just the reality of not having the will to do so.

Three different problems coming from three different places in life. All three end up with headship not functioning in the home. And I believe all three have the same basic answer: Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Now this may sounds harsh and inconsiderate - it's not intended to be. But like the third statement, there is no guile or gameplaying in this answer.

Let's look at each comment more carefully.

First, the statement about trying and failing is a comment that comes from the wrong definition of "success" in providing covenant head leadership. "Failing" here has been measured by considering the degree which the ideal results were experienced in the home. If we got a lot of good results, it would be called "success," but if we didn't get enough of the desires results, then it was a failure. That's the wrong definition of success.

The man cannot guarantee the results. He cannot force his family to follow, he cannot follow a recipe and get the same outcome everytime, and he cannot control how things will turn out. But that's not how I would define success in providing covenant head leadership. The right definition is whether or not that leadership is provided. If the leadership is there, success. If not, failure. The only failing here is to never start or to give up. 

Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if the "results" you want are happening (yet!), your responsibility is to provide that leadership nonetheless. It's a lot harder when you aren't seeing the results you want, but that doesn't change the fact that men are responsible to provide the leadership. Just by becoming a husband, a man takes on that responsibility without condition.

Second, when the wife and/or family is unwilling to follow, you may have a situation where years of a lack of headship have taken a tremendous toll on the family's willingness to follow the man. Or, it's possible the man is providing great leadership, but some in the family are just rebelling.

Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. You answer to God for yourself and for your family as a whole, but they answer for how they take up their responsibilties. Your job, men, is to provide them every opportunity to take up the responsibility well by providing good leadership. Your job is to encourage and motivate them to take up their responsibility. But since you can't make them, the best thing you can do is provide that leadership no matter how unwilling they are. I've seen too many men use this as their excuse - "They're not following, so I'm not going to lead." Who's leading in this case? The family, not the man! He's determining what to do based on them ... reacting to them. That's what followers do, not leaders.

Third, the brutally honest man who says that he doesn't want to change is not coming to terms with the reality of being accountable before God. This model for marriage is not just a nice set of techniques for marriage enhancement - this is the model God prescribes for us and expects us to live out. Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if you don't feel like it.

Whether or not you choose to take up that responsibility is your business, but it's your responsibility whether you take it up or not. God expects it of you, even if you decide you don't want to lead as the covenant head. 

There are many times when I don't feel like it. I don't want to change from my self-absorbed ways - ways that are easier than being the covenant head. In that moment, I have a choice. Will I submit to God's will, or will I reject it?

But there's a less harsh way of looking at this. The best that God has for us in marriage is through a marriage that resembles His design. The greatest enjoyment, the greatest fulfillment, the greatest success by God's own definition, the greatest marriages period. The more Lynne and I make progress toward this model, the more satisfying our marriage becomes. I'm more happy in marriage when I'm providing covenant head leadership than when I'm selfishly trying to manufacture my own happiness.

All three of these comments get down to the same point - a true leader chooses to lead despite the destractions, pitfalls, discouragements, and personal failings. A man will not fulfill the role of covenant head until he's willing to be the covenant head no matter what. The whole concept of being the covenant head is to be the who takes the initiative and forges ahead in leadership. We cannot fulfill the role of covenant head if we're waiting for people or circumstances or our own desires to coveniently line up to make it easy. That's not leading - that's following.

Headship Questions, Part 6

Let's handle the next question that has come out of the list of questions the men collected about the teaching on covenant headship.

Question 6: I don’t know how to start.

My guess is that this a very common comment. And I think it shows that the sermon series did not go far enough on explaining some of the more practical matters. We covered a lot of theology, and we did not cover enough practicality.

There may be several reasons why a man doesn't know where to start, and all are important. It may be that a man is younger and hasn't had much teaching or modeling of these principles, and just lack of life experience contributes to a sense of not being sure where to start. Or, perhaps a man has been married a while and sees all the potential, but doesn't know which of many ideas to pursue first. Or more seriously, a man has been married a while, has not been a strong covenant head, and has created a lot of unhealthy patterns - and perhaps has even created enough damage to the family relationships that getting started is just flat out daunting. Perhaps there are other situations where a man still identifies with this difficulty.

Let me offer the following ideas on how to get started (because I'm trying to get started, too!).

1. Understand the covenant head model of marriage. I mentioned this in a previous post. We've got to have a pretty good grasp of this model before anything else (which is why the sermon series focused so much on the theology). Get the sermon series on CD and listen to it again. Talk with others who have some understanding of the model.
   
2. Do what you can to make sure your spouse understands this model of marriage. If only one of you understands it, it will be much, much harder to implement.
3. Come to an agreement with your spouse that you want to implement this model in your marriage. Understanding is one thing - wanting to implement it is another.
4. Start with the covenant head. Everything in the model depends on starting with the covenant head and building from there. Even the definition of submission depends on the definition of covenant head. Focus your attention first on the man becoming the covenant head - both of you work on this! I'll discuss this in more detail below.
5. Then focus on the wife's role as "ezer." After you get momentum on the man becoming the covenant head, then make sure that the wife is working on a biblical kind of submission (i.e., being committed to the success of her husband as the covenant head). Don't get these two steps backwards - too many men are waiting for their wives to submit before they lead!
6. Then approach parenting as a team from this model. You've got to get your marriage into the right model before you can expect your kids to follow along. However, I recommend explaining all of this to them along the way, but don't demand that they "come around" until you're displaying some semblance of the biblical model.
7. Pray the whole time. Pray alone, pray together, pray in your small group. This is not a new set of "rules," but an entire way of understanding marriage. It will take time and serious readjusting, and so you need constant prayer.

Now, what do I mean by "start with the covenant head"? That's really the crux of the original question.

I suggest writing out the three parts of being the covenant head, and then begin each day by selecting one item from each of the three categories to be a goal for the day. You may pick the same thing several days in a row - in fact, I recommend it! You can't do it all, and there's no formula to say what's right for you. But most likely, you'll have little problem examining your life and seeing at least one item under each category that you need to improve on. Tell someone (a close friend, an elder, your spouse) what areas you want to grow in and ask them to pray for you.

Here are the three aspects:

1. The covenant head faces God and speaks on behalf of the family, and then turns and faces his family and speaks on behalf of God.
2. The covenant head stands in the breach between danger and his family.
3. The covenant head loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Just take one idea from each of the three, tell someone what you intend to do, and then work on that area until you see enough progress to take on another idea.

For example, the first item clearly implies praying regularly for your wife and family. Do that. Pray daily for them. Speak to God on their behalf - not to complain about them, but to pray as their advocate and protector. Find ways where you are speaking something other than God's truth into their lives and submit yourself to say only what lines up with Scripture. Are there other ways that you are not representing God's will to them?

For the second aspect, see what dangers face your family - temptations, unbiblical ideas, habits, even dangers that you might pose to them with your own choices and lifestyles. Find what endangers your family and, with great love and gentleness, find ways to protect them. Give them truth to fight lies, remove temptations when practical, protect their future marriages by making yours strong, and so on.

For the last aspect, the love Christ has for the church as described in Ephesians 5 is sacrificial. Are you putting your goals ahead of your family relationships? Do you build up your wife or tear her down? Do you make decisions by throwing around your weight or by considering the counsel of your wife? When is the last time you overtly demonstrated in some way that you would jump in front of a bus for her, that you would toss away your career for her, that you would give up anything in this world for her? Compare how you show your love against how Jesus shows His love for the church, and submit yourself to loving His way. One of the biggest ways to "give yourself up for her" is to become the covenant head God designed you to be!

It's impossible for to give specific things to do in this post that would apply to everyone, because every situation is different. So, I would recommend discussing this post with another man who understands the model and work on some ideas together.

Also, consider explaining all this to a Christian man who has not yet learned about this model. Spread the understanding of the model. When you explain something to someone, you end up learning it even better yourself.

If you would like to speak with me directly about your situation, I would be happy to toss around some ideas with you that would apply to your specific situation. I am praying that every man of DBC becomes a stronger covenant head each year of his life.

Headship Questions, Part 5

It's been a few weeks since the last post - with the holidays and odd hours for the church office, we put a few things on ice until after the new year. And here we are, fresh and ready to tackle the next question about headship from the list of questions generated by the men of DBC. (If you are unfamiliar with the headship model of marriage, please refer to previous posts in this blog and to our sermon series Men and Women of God.)

The fifth question for us to handle is: Today's generation looks at marriage as being equal. How do they overcome this thinking if that's what they have been taught?

First, let me be very careful about the wording of the question. This is an extremely important point, and we cannot fully appreciate the headship model until we get this straight. A marriage based on headship is equal! We must be convinced of this.

A dominance marriage is unequal, where the man has authority over the wife apart from the concept of headship. This view has been taught in churches for years, and plays mere lip service to Paul's admonition that men and women are equal in Christ (Galatians 3:28). This view does not ground authority in man's double accountability before the Lord, the servant-leadership taught in Scripture, or the command for men to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

In an overreaction to the dominance model, the egalitarian model teaches that the equality of men and women means interchangeability of men and women. This view teaches that there is no distinction in the roles and responsibilities that husbands and wives may have. Neither one has headship authority over the other. This view takes equality to mean equivalence.

A headship marriage takes seriously both the teaching that men and women are equal in Christ and that there remains a distinction in responsibilities between husband and wife. It took us quite a bit of time in the sermon series to lay out this idea. The man has particular responsibilities as the man, the woman has particular responsibilities as the woman, there is an authority established, but only through the man's responsibility to accurately represent the will of God, and the woman's responsibilities are equally important. A headship marriage is equal, but the roles remain distinct.

I know what the question is attempting to ask, but I want to be very careful with the definitions.

Now, on to the question itself. Perhaps it would better to ask it this way: Today's generation looks at marriage as being egalitarian. How do they overcome this thinking if that's what they have been taught?

Great question!

This question is at the heart of my motivation to discuss this material. We've been wrongly taught by society and by the church, and I ardently want to correct these misconceptions. Too many marriages are in difficulty simply because we do not have widespread understanding and adoption of these principles.

The first step is to understand the model yourself. We cannot expect for our churches or our society to be re-taught unless we really understand the model itself. That means going over the material again and again. (It would help if I would finish my thesis now instead of over the next two years!)

The second step is to live it out in our own marriages. If we know the theory but don't practice it, the best we can do is teach theory to others. This means that wherever our marriages are not following this model, our own marriages need to change. Then we can teach others from experience, not theory. I am still learning how to integrate these truths into my own marriage, and the more I integrate it, the better I can teach our congregation about it. Lynne has also taken up the task of adding these principles into our marriage, and she can tell you some very specific ways that she approaches a real-life marriage differently.

The third step is to teach. And then teach again. And then teach again. This is not something that a single series or Bible study will "fix." To change the way we've been trained to think takes time and repetition. Time and repetition. Time and repetition.

This must start with family first, and then work its way outward. Our families - we endeavor to begin the process of living under these principles before we get too energetic about teaching others. Our church family - as a church, we continually teach and grow in these principles as a church before we expect to impact those around us.

One thing I'm becoming very convinced of is that people come to understand these principles in "layers" - there's a general understanding of the theory, then an understanding of basic application, then an understanding of deeper, more complex implications, and so on. There is much for us to unlearn first, and so we should expect learning the headship model to take time. And in some cases, not only do we need to unlearn, but we have to unravel patterns and ways of relating to one another that have been entrenched over years of following a different model.

But be not discouraged! Once we get the basics, the other layers come fairly naturally over time. It's crucial that we understand the basic meanings of headship and submission (see previous posts for a proper definition). Then, we can build the rest on those two ideas.

Headship Questions, Part 4

Last week, I said that I should take a "cream puff" question about headship to give myself a break on these tough questions our men have put together. Well, so much for "cream puff" - this week's question is another doozy.

Question: If the wife takes action that is against the will of the covenant head, what should the response of the covenant head be to his wife?

This is one of the "real life" questions. The theory is understood, but in real life, things don't always go the way we studied about. In fact, things almost never go the way we study about.

Let's begin with the enormous assumption in this question - that the husband is doing a decent job of maintaining the covenant head responsibilities. If the husband is doing a miserable job upholding his role of leadership, then he has little to no right to focus on the wife failing in her role. Yes, faulty people can accurately assess what other faulty people should be doing, but in this particular case, we're talking about the covenant head, and unless he's providing some decent leadership, he forfeits his rights to insist on good follower-ship.

The wife's submission is submission to the husband's headship. (Recall our definition of submission: "A wife's submission is her commitment to the success of her husband as the covenant head.") She is responsible for this submission even when he's failing - she can be committed to his success whether or not he's committed to it. However, if the husband is failing in his role, I would say that he has no clout at all to insist on his wife fulfilling her role to submit to his non-existent leadership! She answers to the Lord for how she submits, but he of all people has no credibility to be the one to press her on the matter.

But if our assumption is correct, that the husband is doing a decent job, then we can explore what he should do when she still insists on rejecting her role to submit.

The man is instructed in Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her." This does not say, "Husbands, rule over your wives," or, "Husbands, make sure your wives submit like I told them to in verse 22." The man's headship does not mean that he tries to force the wive to fulfill her role. He is told to love her, and to love her in the same way that Jesus sacrificially loves the church. He is to love her even when she's not submitting, just like the wife is to be submitted to the husband's success as the covenant head, even when he's falling down on the job.

A man must answer this tough question by asking, "How does Jesus love the church when she doesn't follow His leadership?" We know this happens, so how does Jesus, the perfect Covenant Head, handle it? He never stops loving her, He never stops advocating on her behalf before the Father, He never stops providing leadership, He never leaves her nor forsakes her (Hebrews 13:5), and He never fails to offer God's Word. In other words, when the church refuses to follow His leadership, He provides more leadership! But He never forces her to submit against her will.

There were three things we said the covenant head does, and he needs to continue doing those things when the wife rebels.

1. Stand before God on behalf of the family, and stand before the family on behalf of God. Even when she rebels, the husband must be persistent in prayer, facing God and praying on behalf of his wife. He must also lovingly, gently make sure that God's Word is clearly provided. He does not beat her over the head with the Bible, but if she is unaware of the biblical teachings, he must make it available in an appropriate way. In effect, he is facing her on behalf of God.
2. Stand in the breech between danger and his wife. A wife who rejects godly leadership is facing dangers, physical, emotional, and spiritual. It may be by her own choosing, but the husband as the covenant head must provide as much protection as he can. He doesn't need to shield her from every consequence, but he must protect her from forces that would truly harm her. He cannot shrug his shoulders and pretend like he has no responsibility for her well-being.
3. Love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is the primary, unconditional, non-negotiable absolute of being a Christian husband. Our marriages are modeled after the relationship of Christ and the church, and there is no excuse we can offer to let men off the hook from loving their wives. This love is sacrificial, which means it will cost the man to love his wife. He will pay some of the price to restore her, and he should do so willingly. It is how Christ loves the church.

I recommend that you read the book of Hosea, which is a dramatic and prophetic picture from the Old Testament of how Jesus will continue to pursue the church even when she's wayward.

Perhaps the questioner (and the reader!) wants more of a "how to" than this. What are the steps? What can I do to bring my wife around? Men should remember that they do not have the capacity to make their wives "come around." So, rather than dwell on things we cannot accomplish, focus on these principles, and let God do God's work:

• Never stop providing covenant head leadership.
• Never stop loving your wife as Christ loves the church.

Headship Questions, Part 3

NOTE: This blog allows readers to make comments. You are more than welcome to make comments on any post, so long as you are respectful. You can even post a different conclusion, if you like. I only ask that whatever anyone posts (including me), that it is an honest effort to represent Scripture and is written in a spirit of kindness.

Let me continue with the series of questions about headship that were generated at the Men's Retreat. If you've missed parts 1 and 2, then scroll down or look in the archives to find those questions and answers.

The next questions is a toughie! If as covenant head I do everything to guard against danger and instruct the Word of God and my family still chooses to not follow the way they should, will God hold their disobedience against me?

This question arises from two theological thoughts that seem to be at odds with one another. One the one hand, we said in our series that the man stands before God doubly accountable - he is accountable for himself, as are all people, but as the Covenant Head, he is also accountable for the family. On the other hand, from what we know of God, it doesn't seem right to hold someone accountable for someone else's sin, especially if that person does everything he can to be a godly influence in the other person's life. These two ideas seem to conflict, and so we have an excellent, perceptive question.

My first reaction is to say, "Oh, no, God won't hold you accountable if you've done everything you can." That only seems fair and right.

But I have two problems with this response. First, it seems to unravel the entire idea of being doubly accountable, which is the foundation of our headship model. It certainly doesn't pack any punch to say that the man is doubly accountable for himself and the family ... as long as the family does well. That lacks any kind of significance.

Second, this answer doesn't fit with the example we've chosen to understand the principles of headship, namely Moses up on the mountain while the people of Israel committed the sin of the golden calf. Moses was not only completely innocent of the sin of the golden calf, but he was also occupied doing the exact thing God needed him to do in order to be the Covenant Head - he was up on the mountain to receive the Ten Commandments. You can't find a better model for our question: If as covenant head I do everything to guard against danger and instruct the Word of God and my family still chooses to not follow the way they should, will God hold their disobedience against me?

Moses was certainly doing everything he was supposed to do to guard and instruct, and they still chose to follow a different path (with Aaron, the "substitute Covenant Head", allowed them to do). And yet, Moses was still held accountable for the covenant group. God called on Moses to answer for them.

But, notice something very important in this story (Exodus 32). God laid the situation before Moses, starting in verse 7. In verse 10, God gives Moses an option: "Leave me alone, so that my anger may burn against them and I can destroy them." As we discussed in the series, God was putting before Moses two options: leave him alone (in other words, fail to stand up as the Covenant Head), or the second option, which was implied, don't leave him alone (in other words, stand up as the Covenant Head and intercede on behalf of the covenant group).

Moses was accountable for their sin, but God's offer was to mete out the punishment where the punishment was due - on the people, not Moses. As the Covenant Head, Moses would not pay the price of their sin, but he still was the one who was accountable to God - he answered to God even though they were the ones who sinned. Moses' did not say, "I've got nuthin' to do with this." Instead, he chose to be the Covenant Head and stand before God to represent the sinful people, advocating on their behalf (which he does starting in verse 31).

God will not make the Covenant Head pay for the sin of the family - each person is accountable to God for his own sin. But the Covenant Head is accountable in the sense that his responsibility is to advocate to God on behalf of the family and to advocate to the family on behalf of God. If they sin and he's perfectly innocent, he's not off the hook. He still has a seriously important responsibility to intercede, teach, lead, pray for, guide, coach, and correct. He has that unique set of responsibilities as the Covenant Head.

Also consider Christ as the Covenant Head. In this case, the Covenant Head did in fact pay the price of the sins of the covenant group. He was completely innocent. He had given us more than enough instruction and guidance. And yet we, the human race, still "did not follow the way that we should." And Jesus was the one accountable to God for our sin. In this case, the Covenant Head paid the price himself! But, of course, he chose to do so voluntarily. That's what's so amazing about this covenant!

So, men, you are not off the hook for the family's sin, even when you've done absolutely everything to be the Covenant Head (although, I seriously doubt a husband ever did absolutely everything he could to lead his family). That doesn't mean you pay for their sin, but it does mean you have a holy obligation before God when the family sins, even though you are virtually innocent.

This means that when the family sins, a real Covenant Head doesn't say, "I've got nuthin' to do with this." A real Covenant Head says, "I will stand."

Maybe in the next blog I'll pick a cream puff question to give myself a break!

Headship Questions, Part 2

Continuing on in our series of answering questions about "headship" that came out of our recent men's retreat...

Question 2: Does the definition of submission defined in the sermon create a license for the wife to do what she wants under the auspices of making her husband successful?

This question is based on the definition of submission that we used in the sermon series: A woman's submission is her commitment to the success of her husband in his role as the Covenant Head.

It took a few Sundays to develop this definition, and requires some understanding of the concept of headship in the first place. There's not enough space in this column to develop all that material again, so I refer you to the sermon series itself at http://dublinbiblechurch.org/sermons.html .  The example of Abigail was an extreme example in order to demonstrate the difference between submission and subjection. In that extreme example, Abigail made decisions that gave her husband the best chance to succeed, even if it meant doing something different than what he has already decided.

This question tests the limits of of the model. If women are to be committed to their husbands' success even to point of doing something other than what their husbands say, what's to stop her from just doing as she pleases, willfully disobeying her husband, and all the while claiming the excuse that she's just doing what she thinks is best for his success? Clearly, that is a concern.

Let's distinguish between the model and interpretation of the model. The model is that she is to be committed to her husband's success, not just what she interprets to be in his best interest. If she is truly committed to his real success as the Covenant Head, she is by definition not going take this model as license to do as she pleases. "Doing as she pleases" is neither a commitment to her husband's success nor submission. So, just by definition, she can't truly submit according to the model and use the model to do whatever she wants.

But the practical question is: How can we avoid her abusing the definition and turning it into license? Of course, wanting to "make her" live according to the model comes from an attitude of lording over her, rather than leading her. So, husbands can't "make her" live by the model at all. There must be a different way to help her avoid abusing her role.

The way to avoid the abuse comes down to the wife humbly adopting the biblical model in truth, and not just as a cover to doing as she pleases. This model puts a hefty responsibility on both husband and wife, and we experience problems when either one of them either abuses the responsibilities or just ignores them.

Some will say that we shouldn't teach this model if we can't stop women from abusing the definitions. It's too dangerous, and women might just start doing whatever they want, they say. But just because people might abuse the biblical model doesn't mean we shouldn't teach the biblical model. We don't want to teach a less-than-biblical model just because someone might abuse the truly biblical model.

Furthermore, where are the controls to prevent men from abusing their end of the model? Should we not teach headship if some men will abuse that definition to do as they please? Even if men can abuse their responsibilities, we teach the biblical ideal. The same should hold true for women. What will keep men inside the model is the same thing that will keep women inside the model - humble submission to the Lord and to His definitions of husband and wife.

I must reiterate a point made in the sermon - the cases where the woman actually has to "go Abigail" on her husband and defy his words in order to submit to his success are rare. This is not an option that women need to resort to often. There are many, many options of finding resolutions to problems before the wife is cornered into following Abigail's extreme example. 

They may even be times when the wife needs to avoid "going Abigail" on an issue even if she is clearly right and he is clearly wrong, simply because the "Abigail option" always comes with a price in the relationship. That price may be too high to pay for situations that are not crucial. In Abigail's case, it was a matter of life and death. The level of danger warranted the price of going against the husband's will. However, if the matter is about how much to spend on Christmas presents, the outcome is likely not so crucial that the price of taking the "Abigail option" is worth it.

This model is not a license for women. But it does show that the position of submission is a very important, responsible position that requires a lot of wisdom and humility. Rather than shield women away from their responsibility because they might abuse it, we should empower them to the fullest extent of Scripture - just like we should do for men.

Men, there's only one sure way to avoid having your wife need to "go Abigail" on you. Lead with integrity in a way that serves your family's best interests, according to the biblical model. The only time wives need the "Abigail option" is when we're making decisions that contribute to our failure as the covenant head. Simply make decisions that work for your success as the covenant head, and you will have created the best, most effective safeguard you can against your wife exercising license inappropriately.