- I’ve tried, and I’ve failed.
- She is not / they are not willing to follow.
- I really don’t want to change.
These may not seem like related questions, but they are in at least one sense - they all have the same answer.
The first statement ("I've tried, and I've failed") apparently comes from a man who believes that he's taken the concepts to heart, taken an appropriate amount of time to try leading his family according to those principles, and the results he was hoping for did not materialize. Or, perhaps he just failed in his effort - he tried, but didn't stick with it for very long, lapsing into other habits of leading (or non-leading).
The second statement ("They are not willing to follow") looks at the willingness of the family as a primary problem in implementing the headship model. Because they are not willing, headship is not functioning in the home.
The third statement ("I really don't want to change") is a brutally honest statement that says, "I get the basic concepts, I know what's involved, and I just don't want to do that in my home." I wish more of the men in our churches could be this honest - no guile, no gameplaying - just the reality of not having the will to do so.
Three different problems coming from three different places in life. All three end up with headship not functioning in the home. And I believe all three have the same basic answer: Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Now this may sounds harsh and inconsiderate - it's not intended to be. But like the third statement, there is no guile or gameplaying in this answer.
Let's look at each comment more carefully.
First, the statement about trying and failing is a comment that comes from the wrong definition of "success" in providing covenant head leadership. "Failing" here has been measured by considering the degree which the ideal results were experienced in the home. If we got a lot of good results, it would be called "success," but if we didn't get enough of the desires results, then it was a failure. That's the wrong definition of success.
The man cannot guarantee the results. He cannot force his family to follow, he cannot follow a recipe and get the same outcome everytime, and he cannot control how things will turn out. But that's not how I would define success in providing covenant head leadership. The right definition is whether or not that leadership is provided. If the leadership is there, success. If not, failure. The only failing here is to never start or to give up.
Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if the "results" you want are happening (yet!), your responsibility is to provide that leadership nonetheless. It's a lot harder when you aren't seeing the results you want, but that doesn't change the fact that men are responsible to provide the leadership. Just by becoming a husband, a man takes on that responsibility without condition.
Second, when the wife and/or family is unwilling to follow, you may have a situation where years of a lack of headship have taken a tremendous toll on the family's willingness to follow the man. Or, it's possible the man is providing great leadership, but some in the family are just rebelling.
Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. You answer to God for yourself and for your family as a whole, but they answer for how they take up their responsibilties. Your job, men, is to provide them every opportunity to take up the responsibility well by providing good leadership. Your job is to encourage and motivate them to take up their responsibility. But since you can't make them, the best thing you can do is provide that leadership no matter how unwilling they are. I've seen too many men use this as their excuse - "They're not following, so I'm not going to lead." Who's leading in this case? The family, not the man! He's determining what to do based on them ... reacting to them. That's what followers do, not leaders.
Third, the brutally honest man who says that he doesn't want to change is not coming to terms with the reality of being accountable before God. This model for marriage is not just a nice set of techniques for marriage enhancement - this is the model God prescribes for us and expects us to live out. Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if you don't feel like it.
Whether or not you choose to take up that responsibility is your business, but it's your responsibility whether you take it up or not. God expects it of you, even if you decide you don't want to lead as the covenant head.
There are many times when I don't feel like it. I don't want to change from my self-absorbed ways - ways that are easier than being the covenant head. In that moment, I have a choice. Will I submit to God's will, or will I reject it?
But there's a less harsh way of looking at this. The best that God has for us in marriage is through a marriage that resembles His design. The greatest enjoyment, the greatest fulfillment, the greatest success by God's own definition, the greatest marriages period. The more Lynne and I make progress toward this model, the more satisfying our marriage becomes. I'm more happy in marriage when I'm providing covenant head leadership than when I'm selfishly trying to manufacture my own happiness.
All three of these comments get down to the same point - a true leader chooses to lead despite the destractions, pitfalls, discouragements, and personal failings. A man will not fulfill the role of covenant head until he's willing to be the covenant head no matter what. The whole concept of being the covenant head is to be the who takes the initiative and forges ahead in leadership. We cannot fulfill the role of covenant head if we're waiting for people or circumstances or our own desires to coveniently line up to make it easy. That's not leading - that's following.
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