Headship Questions, Part 6

Let's handle the next question that has come out of the list of questions the men collected about the teaching on covenant headship.

Question 6: I don’t know how to start.

My guess is that this a very common comment. And I think it shows that the sermon series did not go far enough on explaining some of the more practical matters. We covered a lot of theology, and we did not cover enough practicality.

There may be several reasons why a man doesn't know where to start, and all are important. It may be that a man is younger and hasn't had much teaching or modeling of these principles, and just lack of life experience contributes to a sense of not being sure where to start. Or, perhaps a man has been married a while and sees all the potential, but doesn't know which of many ideas to pursue first. Or more seriously, a man has been married a while, has not been a strong covenant head, and has created a lot of unhealthy patterns - and perhaps has even created enough damage to the family relationships that getting started is just flat out daunting. Perhaps there are other situations where a man still identifies with this difficulty.

Let me offer the following ideas on how to get started (because I'm trying to get started, too!).

1. Understand the covenant head model of marriage. I mentioned this in a previous post. We've got to have a pretty good grasp of this model before anything else (which is why the sermon series focused so much on the theology). Get the sermon series on CD and listen to it again. Talk with others who have some understanding of the model.
   
2. Do what you can to make sure your spouse understands this model of marriage. If only one of you understands it, it will be much, much harder to implement.
3. Come to an agreement with your spouse that you want to implement this model in your marriage. Understanding is one thing - wanting to implement it is another.
4. Start with the covenant head. Everything in the model depends on starting with the covenant head and building from there. Even the definition of submission depends on the definition of covenant head. Focus your attention first on the man becoming the covenant head - both of you work on this! I'll discuss this in more detail below.
5. Then focus on the wife's role as "ezer." After you get momentum on the man becoming the covenant head, then make sure that the wife is working on a biblical kind of submission (i.e., being committed to the success of her husband as the covenant head). Don't get these two steps backwards - too many men are waiting for their wives to submit before they lead!
6. Then approach parenting as a team from this model. You've got to get your marriage into the right model before you can expect your kids to follow along. However, I recommend explaining all of this to them along the way, but don't demand that they "come around" until you're displaying some semblance of the biblical model.
7. Pray the whole time. Pray alone, pray together, pray in your small group. This is not a new set of "rules," but an entire way of understanding marriage. It will take time and serious readjusting, and so you need constant prayer.

Now, what do I mean by "start with the covenant head"? That's really the crux of the original question.

I suggest writing out the three parts of being the covenant head, and then begin each day by selecting one item from each of the three categories to be a goal for the day. You may pick the same thing several days in a row - in fact, I recommend it! You can't do it all, and there's no formula to say what's right for you. But most likely, you'll have little problem examining your life and seeing at least one item under each category that you need to improve on. Tell someone (a close friend, an elder, your spouse) what areas you want to grow in and ask them to pray for you.

Here are the three aspects:

1. The covenant head faces God and speaks on behalf of the family, and then turns and faces his family and speaks on behalf of God.
2. The covenant head stands in the breach between danger and his family.
3. The covenant head loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Just take one idea from each of the three, tell someone what you intend to do, and then work on that area until you see enough progress to take on another idea.

For example, the first item clearly implies praying regularly for your wife and family. Do that. Pray daily for them. Speak to God on their behalf - not to complain about them, but to pray as their advocate and protector. Find ways where you are speaking something other than God's truth into their lives and submit yourself to say only what lines up with Scripture. Are there other ways that you are not representing God's will to them?

For the second aspect, see what dangers face your family - temptations, unbiblical ideas, habits, even dangers that you might pose to them with your own choices and lifestyles. Find what endangers your family and, with great love and gentleness, find ways to protect them. Give them truth to fight lies, remove temptations when practical, protect their future marriages by making yours strong, and so on.

For the last aspect, the love Christ has for the church as described in Ephesians 5 is sacrificial. Are you putting your goals ahead of your family relationships? Do you build up your wife or tear her down? Do you make decisions by throwing around your weight or by considering the counsel of your wife? When is the last time you overtly demonstrated in some way that you would jump in front of a bus for her, that you would toss away your career for her, that you would give up anything in this world for her? Compare how you show your love against how Jesus shows His love for the church, and submit yourself to loving His way. One of the biggest ways to "give yourself up for her" is to become the covenant head God designed you to be!

It's impossible for to give specific things to do in this post that would apply to everyone, because every situation is different. So, I would recommend discussing this post with another man who understands the model and work on some ideas together.

Also, consider explaining all this to a Christian man who has not yet learned about this model. Spread the understanding of the model. When you explain something to someone, you end up learning it even better yourself.

If you would like to speak with me directly about your situation, I would be happy to toss around some ideas with you that would apply to your specific situation. I am praying that every man of DBC becomes a stronger covenant head each year of his life.