Headship Questions, Part 8

It's been a little while since we tackled a headship question. If you've not been tracking our discussion on this topic, check the previous posts on this blog to see where we've been dealing with questions related to the covenant headship model of marriage, tackling a variety of questions that the men asked about headship at the men's retreat last Fall.

Our next question is a little different than the previous ones - it's not a question about the model itself, but really gets at the core of some issues men have in actually becoming the covenant head God intends.

The question is: Who were your models of manhood growing up? What features of “manhood” did he / they model?

I think this question is profound, because it invites men to explore how they developed what their view of manhood really is. We learn a lot about manhood from the men who were significant in our lives as we grew up. Yes, we can differ from them and not repeat their flaws (coming up with new flaws on our own!), but we will naturally emulate what was modeled before us, even when we're trying hard to be different. The models in our lives as we develop burn patterns into our brains and wire the way that we tend to think. Good models wire us in a good way, and bad models make for bad wiring, and more work has to be done to rewire the system.

If our view of manhood is significantly different than the idea of the covenant head (especially in the area of being husbands and fathers, but also being Christian men in the church), then several things result:

1. Men will have a more difficult time understanding the covenant head model. They might easily digest the theology and the main ideas, but to really understand what it means in every day life, it will be more difficult. The model makes sense, but it's hard to see how the model intersects with personal experience.
   
   
2. Of course, this difference may even make it difficult for some men to even grasp the theology and main ideas. Their experiences were so far afield from the biblical model that even the core ideas are completely foreign and hard to grasp. The model just doesn't make sense.
   
   
3. We are then hampered from self-assessing our own manhood. It is crucial for us to be able to self-assess our concepts of manhood. Where did we get the ideas that we have? What assumptions do we have - assumptions that might not even be true, but we've always assumed that they were? Why do I do the things that I do as a man?
   
   
4. That, of course, affects our ability to change. We've got to understand the model, understand why we hold the views that we have, and then change our habits and ways of thinking to be in line with Scripture. But we can't change to be more like the biblical model if we don't know how and why we're different than that model. Not only do we need to change our views, but we also need to change our habits. We develop habits from our childhood models, and the rubber meets the road in headship when our manly habits are fulfilling the role of covenant headship.
   

One of the greatest hindrances I've seen to men really becoming the covenant head in a serious way is that they don't really see yet how they are different than the model. Usually, we do in fact understand the basics of the model, but I think one of the biggest barriers is that we don't clearly see what the model means in every day life and we don't see how we are that much different than our idea of the model. If we don't have clear pictures of this, then we will never become the kind of covenant head that the Bible describes. Just because you understand the theory doesn't mean you really understand how your life needs to change.

So, men, I invite you to spend a Quiet Time or two exploring these questions about the models of manhood you've had. How did they form your views? How are your views similar to those models? How are they different (and why)? How do your models of manhood differ from the Scripture picture of the covenant head? If you agree that this is the right model, it is up to you to take the steps as the covenant head to take the steps necessary to become the covenant head.

Until you are convicted by God's Spirit that a) you are different than the biblical model in various ways, and 2) you must submit to God's work in you to change you over time, you will not see "covenant head" become the phrase that most accurately describes you. This is not a conviction of guilt and that we should feel awful about ourselves, but a conviction that this is reality and it is serious. It is the conviction that comes from God that you will in fact commit to become more the covenant head that God wants you to be. That conviction begins with a serious self-evaluation.

Headship Questions, Part 6

Let's handle the next question that has come out of the list of questions the men collected about the teaching on covenant headship.

Question 6: I don’t know how to start.

My guess is that this a very common comment. And I think it shows that the sermon series did not go far enough on explaining some of the more practical matters. We covered a lot of theology, and we did not cover enough practicality.

There may be several reasons why a man doesn't know where to start, and all are important. It may be that a man is younger and hasn't had much teaching or modeling of these principles, and just lack of life experience contributes to a sense of not being sure where to start. Or, perhaps a man has been married a while and sees all the potential, but doesn't know which of many ideas to pursue first. Or more seriously, a man has been married a while, has not been a strong covenant head, and has created a lot of unhealthy patterns - and perhaps has even created enough damage to the family relationships that getting started is just flat out daunting. Perhaps there are other situations where a man still identifies with this difficulty.

Let me offer the following ideas on how to get started (because I'm trying to get started, too!).

1. Understand the covenant head model of marriage. I mentioned this in a previous post. We've got to have a pretty good grasp of this model before anything else (which is why the sermon series focused so much on the theology). Get the sermon series on CD and listen to it again. Talk with others who have some understanding of the model.
   
2. Do what you can to make sure your spouse understands this model of marriage. If only one of you understands it, it will be much, much harder to implement.
3. Come to an agreement with your spouse that you want to implement this model in your marriage. Understanding is one thing - wanting to implement it is another.
4. Start with the covenant head. Everything in the model depends on starting with the covenant head and building from there. Even the definition of submission depends on the definition of covenant head. Focus your attention first on the man becoming the covenant head - both of you work on this! I'll discuss this in more detail below.
5. Then focus on the wife's role as "ezer." After you get momentum on the man becoming the covenant head, then make sure that the wife is working on a biblical kind of submission (i.e., being committed to the success of her husband as the covenant head). Don't get these two steps backwards - too many men are waiting for their wives to submit before they lead!
6. Then approach parenting as a team from this model. You've got to get your marriage into the right model before you can expect your kids to follow along. However, I recommend explaining all of this to them along the way, but don't demand that they "come around" until you're displaying some semblance of the biblical model.
7. Pray the whole time. Pray alone, pray together, pray in your small group. This is not a new set of "rules," but an entire way of understanding marriage. It will take time and serious readjusting, and so you need constant prayer.

Now, what do I mean by "start with the covenant head"? That's really the crux of the original question.

I suggest writing out the three parts of being the covenant head, and then begin each day by selecting one item from each of the three categories to be a goal for the day. You may pick the same thing several days in a row - in fact, I recommend it! You can't do it all, and there's no formula to say what's right for you. But most likely, you'll have little problem examining your life and seeing at least one item under each category that you need to improve on. Tell someone (a close friend, an elder, your spouse) what areas you want to grow in and ask them to pray for you.

Here are the three aspects:

1. The covenant head faces God and speaks on behalf of the family, and then turns and faces his family and speaks on behalf of God.
2. The covenant head stands in the breach between danger and his family.
3. The covenant head loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Just take one idea from each of the three, tell someone what you intend to do, and then work on that area until you see enough progress to take on another idea.

For example, the first item clearly implies praying regularly for your wife and family. Do that. Pray daily for them. Speak to God on their behalf - not to complain about them, but to pray as their advocate and protector. Find ways where you are speaking something other than God's truth into their lives and submit yourself to say only what lines up with Scripture. Are there other ways that you are not representing God's will to them?

For the second aspect, see what dangers face your family - temptations, unbiblical ideas, habits, even dangers that you might pose to them with your own choices and lifestyles. Find what endangers your family and, with great love and gentleness, find ways to protect them. Give them truth to fight lies, remove temptations when practical, protect their future marriages by making yours strong, and so on.

For the last aspect, the love Christ has for the church as described in Ephesians 5 is sacrificial. Are you putting your goals ahead of your family relationships? Do you build up your wife or tear her down? Do you make decisions by throwing around your weight or by considering the counsel of your wife? When is the last time you overtly demonstrated in some way that you would jump in front of a bus for her, that you would toss away your career for her, that you would give up anything in this world for her? Compare how you show your love against how Jesus shows His love for the church, and submit yourself to loving His way. One of the biggest ways to "give yourself up for her" is to become the covenant head God designed you to be!

It's impossible for to give specific things to do in this post that would apply to everyone, because every situation is different. So, I would recommend discussing this post with another man who understands the model and work on some ideas together.

Also, consider explaining all this to a Christian man who has not yet learned about this model. Spread the understanding of the model. When you explain something to someone, you end up learning it even better yourself.

If you would like to speak with me directly about your situation, I would be happy to toss around some ideas with you that would apply to your specific situation. I am praying that every man of DBC becomes a stronger covenant head each year of his life.

Headship Questions, Part 4

Last week, I said that I should take a "cream puff" question about headship to give myself a break on these tough questions our men have put together. Well, so much for "cream puff" - this week's question is another doozy.

Question: If the wife takes action that is against the will of the covenant head, what should the response of the covenant head be to his wife?

This is one of the "real life" questions. The theory is understood, but in real life, things don't always go the way we studied about. In fact, things almost never go the way we study about.

Let's begin with the enormous assumption in this question - that the husband is doing a decent job of maintaining the covenant head responsibilities. If the husband is doing a miserable job upholding his role of leadership, then he has little to no right to focus on the wife failing in her role. Yes, faulty people can accurately assess what other faulty people should be doing, but in this particular case, we're talking about the covenant head, and unless he's providing some decent leadership, he forfeits his rights to insist on good follower-ship.

The wife's submission is submission to the husband's headship. (Recall our definition of submission: "A wife's submission is her commitment to the success of her husband as the covenant head.") She is responsible for this submission even when he's failing - she can be committed to his success whether or not he's committed to it. However, if the husband is failing in his role, I would say that he has no clout at all to insist on his wife fulfilling her role to submit to his non-existent leadership! She answers to the Lord for how she submits, but he of all people has no credibility to be the one to press her on the matter.

But if our assumption is correct, that the husband is doing a decent job, then we can explore what he should do when she still insists on rejecting her role to submit.

The man is instructed in Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her." This does not say, "Husbands, rule over your wives," or, "Husbands, make sure your wives submit like I told them to in verse 22." The man's headship does not mean that he tries to force the wive to fulfill her role. He is told to love her, and to love her in the same way that Jesus sacrificially loves the church. He is to love her even when she's not submitting, just like the wife is to be submitted to the husband's success as the covenant head, even when he's falling down on the job.

A man must answer this tough question by asking, "How does Jesus love the church when she doesn't follow His leadership?" We know this happens, so how does Jesus, the perfect Covenant Head, handle it? He never stops loving her, He never stops advocating on her behalf before the Father, He never stops providing leadership, He never leaves her nor forsakes her (Hebrews 13:5), and He never fails to offer God's Word. In other words, when the church refuses to follow His leadership, He provides more leadership! But He never forces her to submit against her will.

There were three things we said the covenant head does, and he needs to continue doing those things when the wife rebels.

1. Stand before God on behalf of the family, and stand before the family on behalf of God. Even when she rebels, the husband must be persistent in prayer, facing God and praying on behalf of his wife. He must also lovingly, gently make sure that God's Word is clearly provided. He does not beat her over the head with the Bible, but if she is unaware of the biblical teachings, he must make it available in an appropriate way. In effect, he is facing her on behalf of God.
2. Stand in the breech between danger and his wife. A wife who rejects godly leadership is facing dangers, physical, emotional, and spiritual. It may be by her own choosing, but the husband as the covenant head must provide as much protection as he can. He doesn't need to shield her from every consequence, but he must protect her from forces that would truly harm her. He cannot shrug his shoulders and pretend like he has no responsibility for her well-being.
3. Love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is the primary, unconditional, non-negotiable absolute of being a Christian husband. Our marriages are modeled after the relationship of Christ and the church, and there is no excuse we can offer to let men off the hook from loving their wives. This love is sacrificial, which means it will cost the man to love his wife. He will pay some of the price to restore her, and he should do so willingly. It is how Christ loves the church.

I recommend that you read the book of Hosea, which is a dramatic and prophetic picture from the Old Testament of how Jesus will continue to pursue the church even when she's wayward.

Perhaps the questioner (and the reader!) wants more of a "how to" than this. What are the steps? What can I do to bring my wife around? Men should remember that they do not have the capacity to make their wives "come around." So, rather than dwell on things we cannot accomplish, focus on these principles, and let God do God's work:

• Never stop providing covenant head leadership.
• Never stop loving your wife as Christ loves the church.

Headship Questions, Part 2

Continuing on in our series of answering questions about "headship" that came out of our recent men's retreat...

Question 2: Does the definition of submission defined in the sermon create a license for the wife to do what she wants under the auspices of making her husband successful?

This question is based on the definition of submission that we used in the sermon series: A woman's submission is her commitment to the success of her husband in his role as the Covenant Head.

It took a few Sundays to develop this definition, and requires some understanding of the concept of headship in the first place. There's not enough space in this column to develop all that material again, so I refer you to the sermon series itself at http://dublinbiblechurch.org/sermons.html .  The example of Abigail was an extreme example in order to demonstrate the difference between submission and subjection. In that extreme example, Abigail made decisions that gave her husband the best chance to succeed, even if it meant doing something different than what he has already decided.

This question tests the limits of of the model. If women are to be committed to their husbands' success even to point of doing something other than what their husbands say, what's to stop her from just doing as she pleases, willfully disobeying her husband, and all the while claiming the excuse that she's just doing what she thinks is best for his success? Clearly, that is a concern.

Let's distinguish between the model and interpretation of the model. The model is that she is to be committed to her husband's success, not just what she interprets to be in his best interest. If she is truly committed to his real success as the Covenant Head, she is by definition not going take this model as license to do as she pleases. "Doing as she pleases" is neither a commitment to her husband's success nor submission. So, just by definition, she can't truly submit according to the model and use the model to do whatever she wants.

But the practical question is: How can we avoid her abusing the definition and turning it into license? Of course, wanting to "make her" live according to the model comes from an attitude of lording over her, rather than leading her. So, husbands can't "make her" live by the model at all. There must be a different way to help her avoid abusing her role.

The way to avoid the abuse comes down to the wife humbly adopting the biblical model in truth, and not just as a cover to doing as she pleases. This model puts a hefty responsibility on both husband and wife, and we experience problems when either one of them either abuses the responsibilities or just ignores them.

Some will say that we shouldn't teach this model if we can't stop women from abusing the definitions. It's too dangerous, and women might just start doing whatever they want, they say. But just because people might abuse the biblical model doesn't mean we shouldn't teach the biblical model. We don't want to teach a less-than-biblical model just because someone might abuse the truly biblical model.

Furthermore, where are the controls to prevent men from abusing their end of the model? Should we not teach headship if some men will abuse that definition to do as they please? Even if men can abuse their responsibilities, we teach the biblical ideal. The same should hold true for women. What will keep men inside the model is the same thing that will keep women inside the model - humble submission to the Lord and to His definitions of husband and wife.

I must reiterate a point made in the sermon - the cases where the woman actually has to "go Abigail" on her husband and defy his words in order to submit to his success are rare. This is not an option that women need to resort to often. There are many, many options of finding resolutions to problems before the wife is cornered into following Abigail's extreme example. 

They may even be times when the wife needs to avoid "going Abigail" on an issue even if she is clearly right and he is clearly wrong, simply because the "Abigail option" always comes with a price in the relationship. That price may be too high to pay for situations that are not crucial. In Abigail's case, it was a matter of life and death. The level of danger warranted the price of going against the husband's will. However, if the matter is about how much to spend on Christmas presents, the outcome is likely not so crucial that the price of taking the "Abigail option" is worth it.

This model is not a license for women. But it does show that the position of submission is a very important, responsible position that requires a lot of wisdom and humility. Rather than shield women away from their responsibility because they might abuse it, we should empower them to the fullest extent of Scripture - just like we should do for men.

Men, there's only one sure way to avoid having your wife need to "go Abigail" on you. Lead with integrity in a way that serves your family's best interests, according to the biblical model. The only time wives need the "Abigail option" is when we're making decisions that contribute to our failure as the covenant head. Simply make decisions that work for your success as the covenant head, and you will have created the best, most effective safeguard you can against your wife exercising license inappropriately.

How to Respond to California's Decision

You have to be intentionally avoiding the news if you are unaware that the court system in California has recently "legislated from the bench" to legalize same-sex marriages. When I read of such things, I have a mixed bag of reactions:

• Anger: My reasons for anger are many. Rulings such as this are clearly against God's written Word, and therefore clearly against God's will. Although I strongly abhor any form of discrimination or hateful responses to individuals, a homosexual lifestyle is a choice to violate God's express will. It is a defiant act against the perfect and holy God. Some dear loved ones of ours have made these choices - we are not angry with them, but we are angry about those choices. Furthermore, these choices are harmful to those who make them, and harmful to our society. A society that embraces a God-defying lifestyle harms itself thereby. When I see people choosing ways to harm our society, I get angry.
  

• Sadness: I also experience feelings of sadness. By openly defying God's will, people are missing out on a tight relationship with Him, as well as missing out on His greatest blessings. Not only are they hurting themselves, but they are cutting themselves off from a relationship with Christ where He abides with us because we obey His Word from a heart of love (John 14:21-24). We've known several who claim Christ and yet still choose a homosexual lifestyle - they talk very warmly about Christ. However, they are missing out on the deepest relationship Him possible because they deny the clear meaning of certain parts of the Bible. That makes me sad.

• Political ire: I also want to go all activist and help change the laws. And I believe we should be actively involved in the political process to defend the definition of marriage given to us by God.

• A sense of fulfilled expectations: And yet, I also feel a sense of no surprise whatsoever. These are the types of things Scripture tells us to anticipate as we approach the End Times. These developments are inevitable for a society that works so hard to relegate God to tiny corners of our lives. Nations that do not submit to God's most basic edicts invariably end up with this kind of moral degradation of its social norms. The more this nation says it doesn't want God's involvement, the more we will see the gravitational effect of fleshly desires to draw us ever downward morally.

• Confidence: I usually end up, though, with a sense of confidence. Marriage is something God defined, and it doesn't matter what a government says about it (even if it's the judicial branch performing a ventriloquist act to sound like the legislative branch). God is the one who determines what marriage is. He is the one who determines who is married and who is not married. A legal status, even if it uses the word "marriage", has no bearing on God's definition or God's declaration of marriage. The state cannot (CANNOT!) pose any threat at all to what God has established. The state can muddy the waters and make it hard for us to see clearly, but it cannot (CANNOT!) redefine biblical marriage. People are either married per the Bible or they are not, and no government can affect that standing. There is nothing (NOTHING!) they can do to stop us from practicing God's definition. The state could declare that people can get married to trees or their lawn furniture, but that doesn't mean that Christian marriage has changed in any way. God is not threatened by this. He is saddened, perhaps even angered, but not threatened.

In my opinion, we should fight the political fights for the good of our society. We should practice the biblical definitions of marriage no matter what the state says. We should not hate anyone on the other side of this debate. We should not feel threatened by decisions such as these. We should teach our children and our society that God has His own, unchanging definition of "marriage."

But the best thing we should do is to throw our greatest energy into having strong, healthy, Christ-honoring marriages. If we simply defend "marriage" as between one man and one woman, we are not defending the biblical definition of marriage. The biblical definition is far greater than getting the right number of each gender into the definition. The best way we can defend marriage is by husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the Church, and by wives serving Christ through the way they respond to their husbands' God-given responsibilities. We can defend God's definition of marriage by raising our children to know and love Christ from the heart. We defend marriage by modeling good ones more than by arguing semantics.

In just a few weeks, we'll be starting a sermon series on biblical manhood and womanhood. Naturally, a biblical definition of marriage will be a big part of this series. I'm learning a lot as I prepare for this series, and I'm looking forward to walking through these lessons with you.