Headship Questions, Part 8

It's been a little while since we tackled a headship question. If you've not been tracking our discussion on this topic, check the previous posts on this blog to see where we've been dealing with questions related to the covenant headship model of marriage, tackling a variety of questions that the men asked about headship at the men's retreat last Fall.

Our next question is a little different than the previous ones - it's not a question about the model itself, but really gets at the core of some issues men have in actually becoming the covenant head God intends.

The question is: Who were your models of manhood growing up? What features of “manhood” did he / they model?

I think this question is profound, because it invites men to explore how they developed what their view of manhood really is. We learn a lot about manhood from the men who were significant in our lives as we grew up. Yes, we can differ from them and not repeat their flaws (coming up with new flaws on our own!), but we will naturally emulate what was modeled before us, even when we're trying hard to be different. The models in our lives as we develop burn patterns into our brains and wire the way that we tend to think. Good models wire us in a good way, and bad models make for bad wiring, and more work has to be done to rewire the system.

If our view of manhood is significantly different than the idea of the covenant head (especially in the area of being husbands and fathers, but also being Christian men in the church), then several things result:

1. Men will have a more difficult time understanding the covenant head model. They might easily digest the theology and the main ideas, but to really understand what it means in every day life, it will be more difficult. The model makes sense, but it's hard to see how the model intersects with personal experience.
   
   
2. Of course, this difference may even make it difficult for some men to even grasp the theology and main ideas. Their experiences were so far afield from the biblical model that even the core ideas are completely foreign and hard to grasp. The model just doesn't make sense.
   
   
3. We are then hampered from self-assessing our own manhood. It is crucial for us to be able to self-assess our concepts of manhood. Where did we get the ideas that we have? What assumptions do we have - assumptions that might not even be true, but we've always assumed that they were? Why do I do the things that I do as a man?
   
   
4. That, of course, affects our ability to change. We've got to understand the model, understand why we hold the views that we have, and then change our habits and ways of thinking to be in line with Scripture. But we can't change to be more like the biblical model if we don't know how and why we're different than that model. Not only do we need to change our views, but we also need to change our habits. We develop habits from our childhood models, and the rubber meets the road in headship when our manly habits are fulfilling the role of covenant headship.
   

One of the greatest hindrances I've seen to men really becoming the covenant head in a serious way is that they don't really see yet how they are different than the model. Usually, we do in fact understand the basics of the model, but I think one of the biggest barriers is that we don't clearly see what the model means in every day life and we don't see how we are that much different than our idea of the model. If we don't have clear pictures of this, then we will never become the kind of covenant head that the Bible describes. Just because you understand the theory doesn't mean you really understand how your life needs to change.

So, men, I invite you to spend a Quiet Time or two exploring these questions about the models of manhood you've had. How did they form your views? How are your views similar to those models? How are they different (and why)? How do your models of manhood differ from the Scripture picture of the covenant head? If you agree that this is the right model, it is up to you to take the steps as the covenant head to take the steps necessary to become the covenant head.

Until you are convicted by God's Spirit that a) you are different than the biblical model in various ways, and 2) you must submit to God's work in you to change you over time, you will not see "covenant head" become the phrase that most accurately describes you. This is not a conviction of guilt and that we should feel awful about ourselves, but a conviction that this is reality and it is serious. It is the conviction that comes from God that you will in fact commit to become more the covenant head that God wants you to be. That conviction begins with a serious self-evaluation.