Headship Questions, Part 7

For the next installment of handling questions about men being the covenant head of the family, we're going to tackle three related problems in one article. (Note: This is an ongoing series of articles based on the series of teachings on marriage. To understand the context of the questions, please read the previous posts about "Headship Questions.")

• I’ve tried, and I’ve failed.
• She is not / they are not willing to follow.
• I really don’t want to change.

These may not seem like related questions, but they are in at least one sense - they all have the same answer.

The first statement ("I've tried, and I've failed") apparently comes from a man who believes that he's taken the concepts to heart, taken an appropriate amount of time to try leading his family according to those principles, and the results he was hoping for did not materialize. Or, perhaps he just failed in his effort - he tried, but didn't stick with it for very long, lapsing into other habits of leading (or non-leading).

The second statement ("They are not willing to follow") looks at the willingness of the family as a primary problem in implementing the headship model. Because they are not willing, headship is not functioning in the home.

The third statement ("I really don't want to change") is a brutally honest statement that says, "I get the basic concepts, I know what's involved, and I just don't want to do that in my home." I wish more of the men in our churches could be this honest - no guile, no gameplaying - just the reality of not having the will to do so.

Three different problems coming from three different places in life. All three end up with headship not functioning in the home. And I believe all three have the same basic answer: Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Now this may sounds harsh and inconsiderate - it's not intended to be. But like the third statement, there is no guile or gameplaying in this answer.

Let's look at each comment more carefully.

First, the statement about trying and failing is a comment that comes from the wrong definition of "success" in providing covenant head leadership. "Failing" here has been measured by considering the degree which the ideal results were experienced in the home. If we got a lot of good results, it would be called "success," but if we didn't get enough of the desires results, then it was a failure. That's the wrong definition of success.

The man cannot guarantee the results. He cannot force his family to follow, he cannot follow a recipe and get the same outcome everytime, and he cannot control how things will turn out. But that's not how I would define success in providing covenant head leadership. The right definition is whether or not that leadership is provided. If the leadership is there, success. If not, failure. The only failing here is to never start or to give up. 

Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if the "results" you want are happening (yet!), your responsibility is to provide that leadership nonetheless. It's a lot harder when you aren't seeing the results you want, but that doesn't change the fact that men are responsible to provide the leadership. Just by becoming a husband, a man takes on that responsibility without condition.

Second, when the wife and/or family is unwilling to follow, you may have a situation where years of a lack of headship have taken a tremendous toll on the family's willingness to follow the man. Or, it's possible the man is providing great leadership, but some in the family are just rebelling.

Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. You answer to God for yourself and for your family as a whole, but they answer for how they take up their responsibilties. Your job, men, is to provide them every opportunity to take up the responsibility well by providing good leadership. Your job is to encourage and motivate them to take up their responsibility. But since you can't make them, the best thing you can do is provide that leadership no matter how unwilling they are. I've seen too many men use this as their excuse - "They're not following, so I'm not going to lead." Who's leading in this case? The family, not the man! He's determining what to do based on them ... reacting to them. That's what followers do, not leaders.

Third, the brutally honest man who says that he doesn't want to change is not coming to terms with the reality of being accountable before God. This model for marriage is not just a nice set of techniques for marriage enhancement - this is the model God prescribes for us and expects us to live out. Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if you don't feel like it.

Whether or not you choose to take up that responsibility is your business, but it's your responsibility whether you take it up or not. God expects it of you, even if you decide you don't want to lead as the covenant head. 

There are many times when I don't feel like it. I don't want to change from my self-absorbed ways - ways that are easier than being the covenant head. In that moment, I have a choice. Will I submit to God's will, or will I reject it?

But there's a less harsh way of looking at this. The best that God has for us in marriage is through a marriage that resembles His design. The greatest enjoyment, the greatest fulfillment, the greatest success by God's own definition, the greatest marriages period. The more Lynne and I make progress toward this model, the more satisfying our marriage becomes. I'm more happy in marriage when I'm providing covenant head leadership than when I'm selfishly trying to manufacture my own happiness.

All three of these comments get down to the same point - a true leader chooses to lead despite the destractions, pitfalls, discouragements, and personal failings. A man will not fulfill the role of covenant head until he's willing to be the covenant head no matter what. The whole concept of being the covenant head is to be the who takes the initiative and forges ahead in leadership. We cannot fulfill the role of covenant head if we're waiting for people or circumstances or our own desires to coveniently line up to make it easy. That's not leading - that's following.

Thank You, FFN

For well over a year, we have had "Family Fellowship Night" on Wednesday nights, with a shared meal and then activities for every age group. We've added to our fellowship and gotten to know each other well. Plus, we've had some excellent food provided by Wolfpack Catering (thanks, Bob and Cheryl!).

We believe, though, that Family Fellowship Night (FFN) has run its course. Bob and Cheryl are off on their adventure to start a signature barbecue restaurant downtown ("Smokin' Lobos"). Plus, not all of the goals we set out for FFN were realized. Many were, but not all. The after-dinner program is just too late for young families, and young families were exactly who we were trying to serve better.

So, we are going to retire FFN. August 20th will be our last evening for the FFN format. Starting on the 27th, we will have a new schedule. The youth Bible study will continue to meet from 7pm-8:30pm. The elementary program will be suspended, until we can find a better time for it. The adult program is going to return back into homes. Home groups will be reformulating, so if you're interested in a home group, please contact an Elder or me.

The home groups have provided a level of friendship and intimacy in Christ that just isn't possible in a wide-open sanctuary or classroom, so we're excited to see group get back into people's homes. The home groups will be free to study whatever topic they choose, including the option of helping one another apply the sermon into our daily lives.

As the groups get defined, we'll be sure to keep you informed. In the meantime, please thank Bob and Cheryl for the fantastic meals we've had. I know I'm going to be one of their regular customers!

How Do I "Stand in the Breach"?

Last Sunday, we discussed Psa 106:19-25 and how Moses "stood in the breach." He is the "covenant head" of Israel, the covenant people had violated the covenant in the most grotesque of ways (considering their golden calf party likely included pagan sexual behavior), thus opening up a large breach in "walls" of the covenant, but Moses acted as the covenant head should and stood in the breach on behalf of the people. He knew exactly where he should stand - between God's wrath and God's people.

The encouragement for Christian men is to stand in the breaches of the walls of our own homes. Men should serve as covenant head in the same way as Moses - standing between danger and their families, especially the spiritual dangers that threaten us. But, the question is "How?" If I agree that as a husband I should be standing in the breach, that doesn't mean I know exactly how to do that. I know some of you have asked this question, and I know I have, too. Perhaps the sermon should have provided more help in this direction.

However, a simple "How To Stand in the Breach" or "Standing in the Breach for Dummies" would not be an easy book to write. Every breach is different. Every breach is unique to the family it affects. There is no way to be able to develop "Three Steps to Effective Breach-Standing" or "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Breach-Standers."

The first step is to commit to stand. To be bold enough to look for the breaches, to be honest enough to identify them, and then to be courageous enough to stand smack dab in the middle of them. If we can convince the men of the church to do that much, the "how to's" will come. First, we must determine to stand. If we've firmly committed to that, then by definition we've also committed to find how to stand there.

There are easy examples. If unaccountable Internet access is a breach, then stand in the breach - make access accountable and take the heat for it. If financial habits are a breach, then stand in the breach - find the tools, classes, and counselors to rein in the habits and deal with the harsh realities of change. If your hair-trigger anger is a breach, then stand in the breach - remove the danger by necessary means, which may mean that you have to be man enough to admit weakness and character flaws. And so on - standing in the breach means making the tough, right decisions to close the breaches and to take the heat and responsibility for them.

It's the tough examples that the men will have to commit to figure out. Sometimes, the breach has been open for so many years that repairing the wall will take months or years. Stand in the breach. Commit yourself to the months and years it takes. Do not let excuses be stronger than your resolve to fix the breaches. And then stand in the gaps while the repairs are going on.

That's what covenant heads do. They commit to make it right for the family, even if they don't know "how to." Do you think Moses had a "Leading the Exiles Through the Dessert for Dummies" book handy? Not a chance. What he had was the resolve to stand in the gap and then figure out how to repair the damage.

May the Lord steel the resolve of our men to stand. May the Lord give wisdom and grace to our women to help the men stand with success.