Headship Questions, Part 5

It's been a few weeks since the last post - with the holidays and odd hours for the church office, we put a few things on ice until after the new year. And here we are, fresh and ready to tackle the next question about headship from the list of questions generated by the men of DBC. (If you are unfamiliar with the headship model of marriage, please refer to previous posts in this blog and to our sermon series Men and Women of God.)

The fifth question for us to handle is: Today's generation looks at marriage as being equal. How do they overcome this thinking if that's what they have been taught?

First, let me be very careful about the wording of the question. This is an extremely important point, and we cannot fully appreciate the headship model until we get this straight. A marriage based on headship is equal! We must be convinced of this.

A dominance marriage is unequal, where the man has authority over the wife apart from the concept of headship. This view has been taught in churches for years, and plays mere lip service to Paul's admonition that men and women are equal in Christ (Galatians 3:28). This view does not ground authority in man's double accountability before the Lord, the servant-leadership taught in Scripture, or the command for men to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

In an overreaction to the dominance model, the egalitarian model teaches that the equality of men and women means interchangeability of men and women. This view teaches that there is no distinction in the roles and responsibilities that husbands and wives may have. Neither one has headship authority over the other. This view takes equality to mean equivalence.

A headship marriage takes seriously both the teaching that men and women are equal in Christ and that there remains a distinction in responsibilities between husband and wife. It took us quite a bit of time in the sermon series to lay out this idea. The man has particular responsibilities as the man, the woman has particular responsibilities as the woman, there is an authority established, but only through the man's responsibility to accurately represent the will of God, and the woman's responsibilities are equally important. A headship marriage is equal, but the roles remain distinct.

I know what the question is attempting to ask, but I want to be very careful with the definitions.

Now, on to the question itself. Perhaps it would better to ask it this way: Today's generation looks at marriage as being egalitarian. How do they overcome this thinking if that's what they have been taught?

Great question!

This question is at the heart of my motivation to discuss this material. We've been wrongly taught by society and by the church, and I ardently want to correct these misconceptions. Too many marriages are in difficulty simply because we do not have widespread understanding and adoption of these principles.

The first step is to understand the model yourself. We cannot expect for our churches or our society to be re-taught unless we really understand the model itself. That means going over the material again and again. (It would help if I would finish my thesis now instead of over the next two years!)

The second step is to live it out in our own marriages. If we know the theory but don't practice it, the best we can do is teach theory to others. This means that wherever our marriages are not following this model, our own marriages need to change. Then we can teach others from experience, not theory. I am still learning how to integrate these truths into my own marriage, and the more I integrate it, the better I can teach our congregation about it. Lynne has also taken up the task of adding these principles into our marriage, and she can tell you some very specific ways that she approaches a real-life marriage differently.

The third step is to teach. And then teach again. And then teach again. This is not something that a single series or Bible study will "fix." To change the way we've been trained to think takes time and repetition. Time and repetition. Time and repetition.

This must start with family first, and then work its way outward. Our families - we endeavor to begin the process of living under these principles before we get too energetic about teaching others. Our church family - as a church, we continually teach and grow in these principles as a church before we expect to impact those around us.

One thing I'm becoming very convinced of is that people come to understand these principles in "layers" - there's a general understanding of the theory, then an understanding of basic application, then an understanding of deeper, more complex implications, and so on. There is much for us to unlearn first, and so we should expect learning the headship model to take time. And in some cases, not only do we need to unlearn, but we have to unravel patterns and ways of relating to one another that have been entrenched over years of following a different model.

But be not discouraged! Once we get the basics, the other layers come fairly naturally over time. It's crucial that we understand the basic meanings of headship and submission (see previous posts for a proper definition). Then, we can build the rest on those two ideas.