Headship Questions, Part 7

For the next installment of handling questions about men being the covenant head of the family, we're going to tackle three related problems in one article. (Note: This is an ongoing series of articles based on the series of teachings on marriage. To understand the context of the questions, please read the previous posts about "Headship Questions.")

• I’ve tried, and I’ve failed.
• She is not / they are not willing to follow.
• I really don’t want to change.

These may not seem like related questions, but they are in at least one sense - they all have the same answer.

The first statement ("I've tried, and I've failed") apparently comes from a man who believes that he's taken the concepts to heart, taken an appropriate amount of time to try leading his family according to those principles, and the results he was hoping for did not materialize. Or, perhaps he just failed in his effort - he tried, but didn't stick with it for very long, lapsing into other habits of leading (or non-leading).

The second statement ("They are not willing to follow") looks at the willingness of the family as a primary problem in implementing the headship model. Because they are not willing, headship is not functioning in the home.

The third statement ("I really don't want to change") is a brutally honest statement that says, "I get the basic concepts, I know what's involved, and I just don't want to do that in my home." I wish more of the men in our churches could be this honest - no guile, no gameplaying - just the reality of not having the will to do so.

Three different problems coming from three different places in life. All three end up with headship not functioning in the home. And I believe all three have the same basic answer: Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Now this may sounds harsh and inconsiderate - it's not intended to be. But like the third statement, there is no guile or gameplaying in this answer.

Let's look at each comment more carefully.

First, the statement about trying and failing is a comment that comes from the wrong definition of "success" in providing covenant head leadership. "Failing" here has been measured by considering the degree which the ideal results were experienced in the home. If we got a lot of good results, it would be called "success," but if we didn't get enough of the desires results, then it was a failure. That's the wrong definition of success.

The man cannot guarantee the results. He cannot force his family to follow, he cannot follow a recipe and get the same outcome everytime, and he cannot control how things will turn out. But that's not how I would define success in providing covenant head leadership. The right definition is whether or not that leadership is provided. If the leadership is there, success. If not, failure. The only failing here is to never start or to give up. 

Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if the "results" you want are happening (yet!), your responsibility is to provide that leadership nonetheless. It's a lot harder when you aren't seeing the results you want, but that doesn't change the fact that men are responsible to provide the leadership. Just by becoming a husband, a man takes on that responsibility without condition.

Second, when the wife and/or family is unwilling to follow, you may have a situation where years of a lack of headship have taken a tremendous toll on the family's willingness to follow the man. Or, it's possible the man is providing great leadership, but some in the family are just rebelling.

Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. You answer to God for yourself and for your family as a whole, but they answer for how they take up their responsibilties. Your job, men, is to provide them every opportunity to take up the responsibility well by providing good leadership. Your job is to encourage and motivate them to take up their responsibility. But since you can't make them, the best thing you can do is provide that leadership no matter how unwilling they are. I've seen too many men use this as their excuse - "They're not following, so I'm not going to lead." Who's leading in this case? The family, not the man! He's determining what to do based on them ... reacting to them. That's what followers do, not leaders.

Third, the brutally honest man who says that he doesn't want to change is not coming to terms with the reality of being accountable before God. This model for marriage is not just a nice set of techniques for marriage enhancement - this is the model God prescribes for us and expects us to live out. Your responsibility before God is to provide headship, no matter what. Even if you don't feel like it.

Whether or not you choose to take up that responsibility is your business, but it's your responsibility whether you take it up or not. God expects it of you, even if you decide you don't want to lead as the covenant head. 

There are many times when I don't feel like it. I don't want to change from my self-absorbed ways - ways that are easier than being the covenant head. In that moment, I have a choice. Will I submit to God's will, or will I reject it?

But there's a less harsh way of looking at this. The best that God has for us in marriage is through a marriage that resembles His design. The greatest enjoyment, the greatest fulfillment, the greatest success by God's own definition, the greatest marriages period. The more Lynne and I make progress toward this model, the more satisfying our marriage becomes. I'm more happy in marriage when I'm providing covenant head leadership than when I'm selfishly trying to manufacture my own happiness.

All three of these comments get down to the same point - a true leader chooses to lead despite the destractions, pitfalls, discouragements, and personal failings. A man will not fulfill the role of covenant head until he's willing to be the covenant head no matter what. The whole concept of being the covenant head is to be the who takes the initiative and forges ahead in leadership. We cannot fulfill the role of covenant head if we're waiting for people or circumstances or our own desires to coveniently line up to make it easy. That's not leading - that's following.

What are those new cards for again???

For the last few weeks, we've been telling you about the new "Elder Visitation cards," and now would be a good time to better explain them.

The idea came out of the Elder retreat in January. We've been talking about how the Elders can lead the effort for us to become more "missional" and how they can deepen their relationships with the people of our church family. These cards are a way to accomplish both goals at the same time.

The purpose of the card is simple. If there is someone you know (a friend, a relative, a neighbor) who would benefit from having an Elder meet with them, simply note their name on a card and hand it to an elder. Then an Elder and his wife or two Elders together will find a time to meet with this person and see how they can minister to them.

For example, perhaps you know someone who is ill or sad and needs someone to come and pray with them. Perhaps you know someone who has questions about the Christian faith. Or perhaps you know someone who needs to hear the Gospel.

The offer also extends to you. If you would like an Elder or two to minister to you, you can use the same card for that purpose.

The Elders don't have all the answers, but they are willing for the Lord to make them more missional and to step out in ministry to personal acquaintances of our church family. I'm very excited about the kinds of things God can do through this. All we need to do is to be willing put ourselves in situations where God can really use us, and He will do amazing things.

Ideally, the Elders would love to have you come along on one of these visits. That would make your friend more comfortable, and God could also then be using you as He ministers to your friend. The Elders look forward to being able to share this ministry with you and to help you grow in ministry, too.

The potential is enormous, if we would just unleash it! This is how Jesus did so much of His ministry - not by teaching the crowds, but by ministering directly to individuals. All it takes is for you to submit the names of those you know who can benefit from our Elders.

I don't know of many churches where the Elders are so willing to do this. To me, this would be more important than anything else the Elders presently do. I also believe that this can build the kind of church growth we all want - not by reshuffling who attends which church, but seeing those who don't presently attend church regularly be affected directly by the Gospel and by the love of Christ.

Please let your friend or relative know that the Elders are interested in serving in ministry, not waltzing in as authority figures. They don't come as judges and disciplinarians - they come with a towel wrapped around their wastes ready to serve in the name of Christ.

There is a stack of these cards on the back table.

Code Blue!

On Saturday, February 28, Worldview Weekend is hosting an event called "Code Blue." Normally when I get notices for events, I don't pay them much attention - they are usually good events, but there are so many of them, they make my head spin. However, this event has me excited!

One of the speakers will be Dr. Norm Geisler, one of the most intriguing Christian thinkers today. I have several books by Dr. Geisler, and he stands above the crowd. Some his titles include: When Skeptics Ask, Why I am a Christian, and Christian Apologetics. I would pay good money and drive a few hours to hear him speak, and he's going to be in Macon at a free event. This is a great opportunity to hear one of the more influential Christian apologists in our nation.

Betty Ann also notes that another speaker on the docket, Brannon Howse, is an excellent speaker. I'm not familiar with him, but he sounds like he's worth the trip all by himself.

The event is free, but you need to pre-register in order to get tickets. You can do that online. If you want to carpool, let me know and I'll help organize that (or find some wonderful person who would like to coordinate that).

You can read all about it and register at http://www.codebluerally.com.

Headship Questions, Part 6

Let's handle the next question that has come out of the list of questions the men collected about the teaching on covenant headship.

Question 6: I don’t know how to start.

My guess is that this a very common comment. And I think it shows that the sermon series did not go far enough on explaining some of the more practical matters. We covered a lot of theology, and we did not cover enough practicality.

There may be several reasons why a man doesn't know where to start, and all are important. It may be that a man is younger and hasn't had much teaching or modeling of these principles, and just lack of life experience contributes to a sense of not being sure where to start. Or, perhaps a man has been married a while and sees all the potential, but doesn't know which of many ideas to pursue first. Or more seriously, a man has been married a while, has not been a strong covenant head, and has created a lot of unhealthy patterns - and perhaps has even created enough damage to the family relationships that getting started is just flat out daunting. Perhaps there are other situations where a man still identifies with this difficulty.

Let me offer the following ideas on how to get started (because I'm trying to get started, too!).

1. Understand the covenant head model of marriage. I mentioned this in a previous post. We've got to have a pretty good grasp of this model before anything else (which is why the sermon series focused so much on the theology). Get the sermon series on CD and listen to it again. Talk with others who have some understanding of the model.
   
2. Do what you can to make sure your spouse understands this model of marriage. If only one of you understands it, it will be much, much harder to implement.
3. Come to an agreement with your spouse that you want to implement this model in your marriage. Understanding is one thing - wanting to implement it is another.
4. Start with the covenant head. Everything in the model depends on starting with the covenant head and building from there. Even the definition of submission depends on the definition of covenant head. Focus your attention first on the man becoming the covenant head - both of you work on this! I'll discuss this in more detail below.
5. Then focus on the wife's role as "ezer." After you get momentum on the man becoming the covenant head, then make sure that the wife is working on a biblical kind of submission (i.e., being committed to the success of her husband as the covenant head). Don't get these two steps backwards - too many men are waiting for their wives to submit before they lead!
6. Then approach parenting as a team from this model. You've got to get your marriage into the right model before you can expect your kids to follow along. However, I recommend explaining all of this to them along the way, but don't demand that they "come around" until you're displaying some semblance of the biblical model.
7. Pray the whole time. Pray alone, pray together, pray in your small group. This is not a new set of "rules," but an entire way of understanding marriage. It will take time and serious readjusting, and so you need constant prayer.

Now, what do I mean by "start with the covenant head"? That's really the crux of the original question.

I suggest writing out the three parts of being the covenant head, and then begin each day by selecting one item from each of the three categories to be a goal for the day. You may pick the same thing several days in a row - in fact, I recommend it! You can't do it all, and there's no formula to say what's right for you. But most likely, you'll have little problem examining your life and seeing at least one item under each category that you need to improve on. Tell someone (a close friend, an elder, your spouse) what areas you want to grow in and ask them to pray for you.

Here are the three aspects:

1. The covenant head faces God and speaks on behalf of the family, and then turns and faces his family and speaks on behalf of God.
2. The covenant head stands in the breach between danger and his family.
3. The covenant head loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Just take one idea from each of the three, tell someone what you intend to do, and then work on that area until you see enough progress to take on another idea.

For example, the first item clearly implies praying regularly for your wife and family. Do that. Pray daily for them. Speak to God on their behalf - not to complain about them, but to pray as their advocate and protector. Find ways where you are speaking something other than God's truth into their lives and submit yourself to say only what lines up with Scripture. Are there other ways that you are not representing God's will to them?

For the second aspect, see what dangers face your family - temptations, unbiblical ideas, habits, even dangers that you might pose to them with your own choices and lifestyles. Find what endangers your family and, with great love and gentleness, find ways to protect them. Give them truth to fight lies, remove temptations when practical, protect their future marriages by making yours strong, and so on.

For the last aspect, the love Christ has for the church as described in Ephesians 5 is sacrificial. Are you putting your goals ahead of your family relationships? Do you build up your wife or tear her down? Do you make decisions by throwing around your weight or by considering the counsel of your wife? When is the last time you overtly demonstrated in some way that you would jump in front of a bus for her, that you would toss away your career for her, that you would give up anything in this world for her? Compare how you show your love against how Jesus shows His love for the church, and submit yourself to loving His way. One of the biggest ways to "give yourself up for her" is to become the covenant head God designed you to be!

It's impossible for to give specific things to do in this post that would apply to everyone, because every situation is different. So, I would recommend discussing this post with another man who understands the model and work on some ideas together.

Also, consider explaining all this to a Christian man who has not yet learned about this model. Spread the understanding of the model. When you explain something to someone, you end up learning it even better yourself.

If you would like to speak with me directly about your situation, I would be happy to toss around some ideas with you that would apply to your specific situation. I am praying that every man of DBC becomes a stronger covenant head each year of his life.